What your dating pics say about you

12 Nov 2017

The holiday snap

These are everyone’s best holiday pics, with people sucking their bellies in, posing under picturesque waterfalls in their smalls, or frolicking on the beach with a carefully crafted ‘look at me I’m bronzed god/goddess’ glance. (Most of these are from 10 years ago before we all got wrinkles).

The hot friend
These pics say: ‘Look I have hot friends and if you look closely you’ll see that some of their hotness rubs off on me.’ The problem with this is that we inevitably wonder ‘ooo is the hot friend single too’?

The body part
What is it with dick pictures? Every time one springs into view on my screen i seem to be drinking a hot drink and gah! spray the nearest person with tea as I snort with amused disgust. I guess these guys are just trying to get laid. Some guys don’t go the whole hog and just show themselves with their shirts off at the gym or in the mirror at home. These guys also want to get laid. But maybe not as much as dick pic guy. Dick pic guy really goes all out to sell himself. I’ve seen photographs of his prized appendage next to various random items to give a bit of perspective – a Coke can, a sweet corn (!) and an aubergine (bad idea buddy. You’re never going to look good next to an aubergine).

Posing with your mum
There’s this new trend of posing with your mum or grandmother. It’s mainly guys doing it. I quite like it because you can clearly see when a guy really loves his Mum and vice versa and when she’s being used as some kind of involuntary wing woman. When it’s authentic it’s actually very endearing.

Posing with animals
There’s two kinds of posing with animals. The first is playing with cute animals like puppies. I once came across a picture of a hot guy with his shirt off ‘asleep’ in bed curled around a sleeping kitten. I thought ‘c’mon, that looks so staged!’ but I knew it would be capnip for single ladies who would all want to jump in there with him. (He did look very cute).

The second is a posing with drugged animals like lions and tigers. They’re probably thinking they look really cool but what they’re really saying is ‘I had my brain removed at birth’. You might have guessed I’m not a fan….

Being sporty
A bit like the holiday snap the sporty snap often shows people in not many clothes leaping around, running marathons or wind-surfing looking hot. I’m really sporty but you’ll never see any pictures of me doing sport. That’s because I go the colour of a baboon’s arse at the tiniest expenditure of effort. It’s not a good look. Good luck to you trying to actually play sport and look hot.

Did they ring a bell? Even if you’re happily hooked up, some of these still crop up a lot on Facebook! (thankfully not the dick pictures).

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